The Curious Incident of the Machete

There were several psychiatric hospitals around Epsom in the 1970s, and my father visited 'half way houses', where patients were able to gradually rehabilitate back into the community. One chap in such a place was really interested in machetes, and my father, eager to please, made a life sized one out of cardboard and tin foil. He roared with laughter when, the following week, the 'Epsom and Ewell Herald' carried an article about police marksmen being called to a house where an ex-psychiatric patient was causing mayhem by weilding a machete in a threatening manner.

My parents also employed a patient to come and do our gardening. He was called George, but spent his hour digging in the same place, so my mother had to go out every ten minutes or so to move him on. He also couldn't tell the difference between bedding plants and weeds, which meant the garden wasn't necessarily improved by his attention. Once he brought his girlfriend along, and this caused some chaos as she proceeded to remove all her clothes and dance across the lawn. I remember being forbidden to look out of the window while the drama unfolded, but was told afterwards that it wasn't a pretty sight, the girlfriend being of enormous proportions and her dance moves consisting mainly of impersonating a windmill with her arms while leaping energetically sideways across the garden. George just carried on digging with his trowel, seemingly oblivious to the display behind him.