Light the blue touch paper and retire

I think the strangest Christmas present ever given in our family was something my father bought my mother one year. My mother has always been something of a pyromaniac, and took a great delight in having huge bonfires in the back garden. We were used to seeing quite good furniture on them, but there was the particularly memorable Bonfire Night when, as the embers died away at the end of the evening, my father croaked in a voice loaded with emotion, 'Are those the cones from my best speakers?'. Mother replied as always in these situations, 'oh well, you didn't want those any more did you?', accompanied by a sly smile.

If the bonfires were slow to get going, she would get a can of petrol and sling it enthusiastically from a long distance. My children thought it was a big treat to be 'the chosen one' who could throw the match on to light it - my parents' child minding skills did leave something to be desired. My father (having spent his career in the Health and Safety industry) decided the best way to avoid disaster was to buy her a flamethrower. Most wives want diamonds or lingerie for Christmas, but my mother was delighted with her new acquisition. It was quite odd watching her clad in gardening wellies and old suede coat, striding purposefully down the garden with a full size flamethrower.