Wet Legs and Tights

I hate tights. I really hate tights. Especially when you've just got out of the bath and your legs are still a bit wet. You haul up the nasty nylon, which forms Nora Batty wrinkles on the way up, meaning you have to scrabble with your finger nails to unravel them. Then the weave gets twisted round, and makes large, unattractive dents like one circuit of a helter skelter in your thighs - so you reverse the process down to your knees and try again. The gusset never quite comes up high enough, so you end up going down the stairs with an awkward, lopsided gait until you've finally stretched the fabric loose and can tug them up properly.

The next worst thing about tights is when a toe nail carves a hole and the nylon slides round your toe like a tourniquet, leaving a single thread stuck behind the nail. The happiness at getting home after a day at work is marred by having to surgically extract your foot from the tights and seeing your toe looking slightly more blue than usual.

I think I shall become a devotee of stockings again, at least with fish nets you have a seam to line them up as they go on, and extra weaving at the toes. You can roll them on like those ladies in adverts who use the recommended dilapatory process. So rather than getting bad tempered and needing to hang onto the basin to stop myself falling over, I can wear a knowing smile and slide a stocking over my knee without my thighs looking like a fairground attraction.

I thought you'd enjoy this photo of me, having just experienced stress free dressing with stockings. I should point out that my bathroom doesn't usually look this tidy, so don't get a complex.